Maybe, and that’s a huge “maybe”, in the world we’re living in today, a sexually-active teenager can count not having kids as an accomplishment because they’ve actually really accomplished experimenting with sex in some sort of responsible manner? Plus, let’s face it, when you are a teenager you’re not really expected to have had too many accomplishments outside of having a good GPA, getting your license, your first job, and getting accepted into college. In your 20-somethings though? If that’s all you’ve done, you haven’t accomplished shit. You’re probably feeling it too as all your friends are graduating college, starting real careers, getting married…or having kids. Don’t get me wrong, I think it really is a good thing when young women are responsible enough to not get pregnant before they’re truly ready to have a child, but I can’t applaud you as if you’re not having sex and aren’t putting yourself in the same position. I can applaud you if you actually aren’t having sex and putting yourself in that position. Among other things, that takes a lot of self control these days. We’re in times where it’s more common to have had an abortion and to call it a responsible decision and it’s less common to have not had sex. That’s some backwards shit! What’s more backwards is these young women who have had abortions, have nothing going for themselves, and bragging about not having kids. They are fighting the biggest delusions, and if I knew any personally, I’d be urging them to seek mental help.

All in all, I’ll say again, it truly is great that you don’t have kids you aren’t ready for, but it’s really not that great…I mean what else is expected? I mean I’m glad for you if you are glad for yourselves but the ones who are, aren’t bragging. They’re too busy accomplishing real goals like all of my childless friends Being childless really isn’t that great to the point of belittling young single mothers when many are more accomplished, more motivated, more beautiful, etc…

At this point, I’ve only gotten around to interviewing 1 potential baby-sitter for the weekend. She didn’t seem too bad really, but I do have a few concerns regarding her having a dog and a cat, a 2 year-old-son, and not enough space for Karma to be as active as she is. She’s also not close to home and she’s in the opposite direction of work. It’s just not ideal for me, but there was nothing that stood out as a huge red flag, she has some qualities I like, and I kind of settled with the idea of having no other choice. Since interviewing her, I have a couple more potential sitters who are waiting on me to contact them to set up a time to meet. I actually just contacted one of them today. The problem is that my current childcare arrangement with my cousin is that Karma is with her right now while my cousin tends to obligations she had prior to her taking on Karma as one. They were here with me for 2 weeks. I took them back to St. Louis last week and spent a few days there with Karma before coming back home for a week. The holiday is Monday and I took off the day after to maximize the time I’m there before having to come back home. So far, it’s working out well. We’ve arranged what days my cousin gets paid for watching Karma and she gets paid when I get paid. So far, there have been no real issues surrounding our arrangement and I’m praying none come up.

There is a non-issue of BD and his family suddenly contacting me recently wanting to pick up Karma and keep her on days I’m paying my cousin. Actually the first call I got was about them having Karma while I was there last week. The notice was too short and as much as I really didn’t want to give up any of MY time with Karma since I’m suddenly pressed for it, I decided not to be selfish and let them have her the day they asked for. I consoled myself with the thought of it not being one of the days I agreed to pay my cousin. But you give an inch…and they’ve come up with the idea that they should just be able to keep Karma when they want and if those times happen to fall on the days I’ve agreed to pay, I should just not pay my cousin. That’s not going to happen. BD  just left and told me to do what I had to do to make “my situation” of needing childcare for “our daughter” work for me as “it’s not his responsibility to help me with my situation”. Enough said. Before he wanted what he wanted, he hadn’t even inquired about what I had come up with for childcare. I would think he’d at least ask out of curiosity.  While I was stressing over it, he clearly didn’t care at all about the fact that I needed childcare until he wanted to capitalize on it. In his family’s defense, I now believe they would have helped in this situation if they knew they would be able to spend time with Karma, but the precedent had been set that we don’t deal with each other amongst all the bad blood, whichever was the case first. If they want to change that going forth, it’s a welcome change on my end but my loyalty is to my family in this particular instance and I can’t help that BD told his family too little too late.

At the end of the day, my family has ALWAYS had my back and been there to pick up the slack with reassurance of us existing in each others’ lives to serve that purpose for each other. Of course we have our issues like every other family, but one thing I can say is even my most extended family will bend over backwards to help me. That’s a blessing. I know it, and I’m grateful, especially when a lot of people don’t have that type of support from even their most immediate family. Now here my closest cousin is sacrificing her college summer-break helping me, when she intended to spend it working a summer job. I would have been a fool not to offer her a paid job babysitting for me instead. (Gauranteed money because we all know how those summer jobs can be with that.) That’s what I did and so far it’s working out. Why would I burn a bridge with her and go back on our agreement, especially now that I know she’s looking forward to what I’m paying her? BD’s argument is since she’s my cousin, I shouldn’t have to pay her and that if I want to help her, I should just pay her even on the days he keeps Karma. That’s just stupid. He’s paid his family for helping him before. (I really don’t even want to talk about how stupid this was coming out of his mouth.) I’ll never know if it was required that I pay her because I’m the one who offered. She didn’t decline. We didn’t even discuss her babysitting without pay. I’m not going to just not pay her solely because he wants to interrupt the agreement her and I made when he’s the main reason I had to ask her for help in the first place. It’d be different if my cousin was trying to get out of it, but she’s not. She was reluctant to even agree to take a day off without pay for BD’s sake of wanting to spend time with Karma outside of my cousin’s care, but she agreed. So she’s dependable, has priorities, and she’s doing what I’m paying her for with a smile on her face, but I’m supposed to step on her toes in the name of her being family. That’s stupid and I’m not. Plus, she could have easily said, “no” and decided she didn’t want to help. I wouldn’t want her to wake up one day and say our agreement is off knowing I have no other recourse. Why would I do her that way? On top of it, nobody is missing out on anything. Karma is having a ball. Every time I call she’s laughing and playing in the background. She’s being well looked after. I get a rundown everyday of what she ate, what she did, where she went, what she wore, what she said, and what the next day’s plans are. They’re teaching her to spell words I haven’t gotten to yet. I can’t even really buy this peace of mind. BD is always at my aunt’s house anyway, even before Karma was there. He can go over there whenever he want and spend as much time as he wants with her, but as long as I’m paying for her to be in my family’s care, that’s where she’ll be. I’ve extended the offer to him to help pay for the childcare I have chosen because even though my provider at the moment just so happens to be my relative, I’m still treating this like business. That’s what it is. What he’s suggesting I do to my cousin is the reason why people don’t like to do business with family in the first place. Everyone who’s ever paid childcare knows that when childcare is prearranged it has to be paid for regardless of if the child shows up or not. If Karma was currently in daycare where we live, I’d be telling him the same thing. I’d have to pay for the days she was supposed to be there regardless, and if he wanted her on those days he’d have to pay for them unless he was helping me pay for it regularly. Than we’d divide whatever vacation days she’d have accordingly. Since he’s not helping me with any childcare expenses I’m incurring as a result of him leaving me hanging, I don’t know why he’d expect any sympathy from me especially when he’s the one who can see her and spend as much time as he wants with her right now.

Lion conservatory at the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino in Vegas

I’m glad I sent her to stay with my mom for a few weeks. I can have peace of mind while I’m trying to figure things out and she is up there having the time of her life. They are spoiling her to death and she LOVES spending time with them. She’s been crying about seeing them for months. I took vacation so I can be there half the time she’s there,  but I don’t know if that’s what I’ll do because it would kind of defeat the purpose of taking time to figure out a long-term weekend childcare situation for my weekend shift. Though as of right now, those options look slim to none. I think I have a short-term situation figured out. My cousin is coming home from college and was weighing her options of staying with me, another cousin, or going back home to St. Louis to get a job. I told her she could just come and stay with me and I’d pay her for watching Karma while I was at work. Since they’re “best friends”, we would all win. Obviously that can only last for so long as they both will be going to school this fall. Right now, I’m praying that I can either find a long-term solution or talk my bosses into speeding up the process of my move into another department. That way, I could make more money, not have to worry about weekend childcare, and just pay for childcare during the week. My only other option, that I’m not so sure is still an option right now or will be an option for long as they are hiring, is to move to working during the week in my current position. That would come with a noticeable pay cut and would kind of defeat the purpose because if I’m adding back the expense of decent childcare, than obviously I’d like to make the same or more. Not to mention, I really enjoy the freedom and flexibility I get with my current schedule.But if worse comes to worse, I’ll just see what I can do about changing my work hours to be during normal business hours at the same time Karma starts school and just chunk up the cost of making less and paying more. I’ll do what I have to do in the end, and I’m expecting the situation to work out for the best because I can honestly say it always does.

**Warning: The video begins w/me popping her in the forehead. That eye-rolling, side-eyeing….we don’t play that! Proceed!

I wish I had a picture to show everyone the amazingly stupid look on my face when BD asked her to spell “cookie” and she did it. If you don’t want to watch the whole video, watch the last half. She is blending consonant sounds and “th-” and reading long and short vowel sounds. She’s now familiar with the idea of a sentence. She knows what one looks like, and she gets that they communicate an entire idea when she puts the words together. I’m so proud of her! I had to correct the way I was teaching her. At first, I was just telling her to pronounce each letter sound individually, but for a lot of words, that doesn’t work. Some letter sounds you can’t really isolate because they blend with the next letter to make a totally different sound. Now, I’m teaching her to “go slow” and to drag out each letter sound as much as she can into the next one. It’s helping a whole lot. I’m kind of glad I didn’t buy “Your Baby Can Read” though I still may buy it later.

I’ve been really forced to think about where I learned this. How did my mother communicate these things to me??  Nowhere in my memory can I find a conversation where she just came out and said these things. She always did stress the getting good grades and growing up to be something great, but that’s generally what all parents teach their kids, right? In very regularly staying at home by myself, watching my younger brother, cousins, and others, learning to cook and clean (I’m talking real meals and real cleaning), all at a very young age, I definitely learned early that I needed to be a strong, independent, decision-making head of household. Being taught these things as the oldest child, the idea was I needed to carry these traits into adulthood and as a parent, but no one ever said how these traits would fit into the dynamic of a relationship with a man. This is the situation being touted on a lot blogs, magazines, mainstream TV, and pretty much any form of media lately. Black women are being ripped apart for being hyper-independent, emasculating, overbearing, bitter, distrustful, male ego-bashing, over-achievers who just cannot let go of enough power and control to let their men actually play a part in their relationships. This is where I could have, should have, would have been, had it not been for one thing: My mother ALWAYS communicated an extreme desire to wanting a man to wear the pants sometimes and be the head of household. My mother made it VERY clear to me that she was head of household ONLY because she HAD to be. Though I can definitely remember times where she was glad to be the autonomous and totally independent, she told me ideally, she preferred to be able to share the burdens, pain, triumphs, accomplishments, and happiness with someone who loved her and respected her as an equal of sorts. This is in part, is where I learned that a woman’s role in her relationship is to at most, be his partner in providing the necessary to have stable home and a quality lifestyle.

Obviously, with so many lines blurred on what role a man or woman should play in a relationship with regards to who works, take care of the house and kids, makes the financial decisions, etc, for me, all of that should be open for discussion and revision and could be apt to change at any time. I don’t think all of anything should fall on one person all of the time unless they mutually agree that its what works for them. Both people in a relationship should have their thoughts and feelings considered about anything that will affect them, and both should be qualified to make sound decisions and fill that leader and provider role in whatever way they as a couple have defined those roles. Just to be totally clear, I’m not boxing men and women into totally traditional gender roles, but I’m saying that I’ve learned that a person’s role in their relationship should be give and take; back and forth partnership. The man should lead, provide, and make decisions, but so should a woman when necessary. A woman’s role is not to disappear into a man’s wants, needs, and goals, anymore than a man’s role is. Just like a woman should be able to recognize when to and dutifully compromise, let go of the reigns, and just make the home a peaceful relaxing environment, so should the man. In my opinion, if the couple thinks it’s right for them, there’s nothing wrong with a woman going to work and the man staying home. However, if it was the other way around, that woman would be expected to have food, a hot shower/bath, some nice words, a back massage, and sex readily available to him. A man should be just as prepared when his working woman comes home and he has no job. There needs to be some kind of trade off or turn-taking if they both work.

While I want Karma to learn to be strong, goal-oriented, and to do and think for herself, I’d want her to know to balance those things in a relationship. I don’t want her to learn that her role should fit into some type of box that is “a woman’s role”, but I want her to learn to be a complementing, supportive, respectful partner to whoever she ends up with. I want her to know that she’s worthy and deserves nothing less than the same from a man. My role in teaching her those things are to lead by example and have those same things in my relationship.

Wus up with her being white with red hair?

As far as apartments go, I felt like I could get more for the same price or a little more, or the same for cheaper, and I was right. I found an apartment  that’s the same in size, more in amenities, located in a more diverse area, in a less rural area, and closer to work…and it’s cheaper. Since Wisconsin schools have 4-year-old Kindergarten, I’ve been touring schools and meeting with principals in the new school district and so far, I am very impressed in all respects. These principals seem very dedicated to their schools, the district, and their students (who are more diverse). Karma turns 4 in August. I figure if I may be able to keep Karma out of daycare for a while before school starts, and save some money and the hassle of trying to acclimate her to another daycare. I’m Charlie Sheen winning over here!

I was also making myself sick over the prospect of buying a house, which I’ve decided is not for me at the moment. I’ve been cultivating some extra-income generating ideas too. They were keeping me up at night but have since, taken a backseat to preparing to move, deciding on a school, and taking on new projects at work.

I had to post this! This is one of the best things I’ve seen in a really long time. This video is from a little girl group who call themselves  “Watoto From The Nile”.  I have no idea what their name means. I got frustrated looking for the meaning. If you find out, let me know. This did to me what the Sesame Street version of Willow Smith’s “Whip My Hair” did to me; really lifted my spirits. I’ve been growing more and more depressed with today’s music and its symbols; thinking that as the next generation comes up, it’s only going to get worse. It’s hard for me to imagine them being socially aware. This brought life back to me. Is there hope?  I’m proud of them for calling out one of the most influential people in the industry right now. Never mind the fact that he has a daughter about their age. While it’s true he’s not nearly the only rapper who says demeaning things about women, I think they’ve started asking the right one their questions. What do you think?

I’m not talking about statements that begin the same way, that are made in good faith. I think it’s perfectly fine to make good-faith, hopeful, non-judgmental statements about when you have kids 2, 5, 10, or however many years from now you intend on having kids. In fact, I think it would be dumb for you not to think about what you might do as a parent if you faced certain challenges under circumstances in the future. My problem is with people who vehemently state what their parenting practices are going to be in such a way to let you know they are judgmental of you and anyone else whose practices aren’t the same.

You don’t even know what you’re going to eat tomorrow,  so how is it that you can know what the world is going to be like when you get around to spitting another life into it? Those who say the state the of the world wont matter, really need to wait a long while, maybe forever, before they think about bringing another life into it. The state of the world is the biggest factor. Some people say God’s Word is the most important factor. While I can’t argue with that, I will say, throughout history people have taken God’s Word into and out of every context to justify how they’re living…in the world. I’ve heard people say, “God’s Word will never change”, but interpretation of It does. The way people apply or fail to apply it to their lives is what makes the world what it is.

People parent with the times. Tattoos, piercings, cell phones, Facebook, and MTV were not things our grandparents had to worry about when they were raising our parents.  These things have changed our world and have to be accounted for in many parenting decisions today. There will be more, unforeseen things to account for all of our parenting decisions in the future. Decisions are based on parents’ living, marital, and economic circumstances. You can do all of the planning you want, and in the end, you have no idea what your circumstances are going to be even 6 months from now. Relationships and marriages are failing in record numbers, people are in poverty at record numbers, and so many people are suffering from all kinds of mental, medical, and societal issues.  You may never get married and manage to get pregnant. With kids  going through puberty earlier and earlier these days, your stance on giving your teenager condoms and birth control may change when they’re 16, roaring, and ready to go, and you know they’re not going to wait any longer.

You nor I have any idea what future challenges parenting might hold.  I’m just saying you may need to think twice before you turn your nose up at the parent who is trying their best, especially if you don’t have and are not raising children.